The Best Way To Live

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We Got Pride

The other day I went to New York City to do a stand up comedy open mic. On the train ride there, I noticed there were a bunch of dudes wearing short shorts, fat white girls with dyed hair, and people wearing rainbow colors. I thought “Hmm, that’s weird.” It didn’t strike me until I arrived in the city that it was the gay pride parade.

I initially did not want to go near the parade. I just wanted go straight to the comedy club and back home, in order to show everyone how NOT GAY I am. But the parade seemed like it could be a good time, so me and my friend decided to check it out for a bit and go to some bars (Cause why not pay $7 for a beer and $12 for a tequila shot? Isn’t that what fun is all about? Gotta love NYC baby!).

As two straight and TOTALLY NOT GAY men, my friend and I were TOTALLY not there to get some dick. Fortunately for us, there were plenty of beautiful women out and about. I resisted the urge to look at any of them, as I am in a relationship (My girlfriend considers looking at other women cheating and berates me when I do. Isn’t love great?). My friend, however, is single and ready to mingle, and he took every opportunity to mingle with every fine woman he laid his eyes upon.

On The Hunt

The legendary comedian Patrice O’Neal has an analogy where he compares picking up women to hunting animals. O’Neal jokes that different strategies are needed to attract certain types of women, just as different strategies are needed to hunt certain animals. Some women are like bunnies, others like deer, and the more aggressive women can be compared to bears. All men have a certain type of woman they most often go after. If you go after bunnies, you are a bunny hunter. If you go after deer, you are a deer hunter. And the more daring men who go after bears are bear hunters.

The hunting grounds of New York City on Pride Day were rich with many different exotic animals. My friend, an avid bear hunter, was looking to hunt some prey. A handsome chap, he walked right up to girls and laid it down heavy on them. Many girls were flattered by his advances, but told him “Sorry, I’m gay.” Having perfected his bear hunting techniques through years of practice, he knew you had to be persistent to catch these types of prey. He responded to their initial rejections by saying, “Well why don’t I make you bi for today?” When he said this, you could see a sense of attraction start to build in the eyes of these women. Even though they were gay, you could tell they were thinking about giving this man a try. My friend has said similar things to women in the past. For example, when girls have told him “Sorry, I would give you my number, but I have a boyfriend,” he has responded “Well, there’s a reason it’s boyfriEND, it’s not gonna last forever.” Although this aggressive strategy does not work all the time (no strategies for picking up women do), he has had excellent results.

Bear hunting is a dangerous activity. If my friend hasn’t had a drink thrown in his face yet, he certainly will in the future. I, on the other hand, am too much of a pussy to go bear hunting. I am a bunny hunter. Instead of going up to girls aggressively and flirting hard with them, I prefer to build attraction by keeping some distance from the girl and letting her come up to me. If you chase after a bunny, it will run away from you. But if you stay calm and maybe toss the bunny a few carrots, it will come up to you. This strategy has its own pros and cons. It guarantees you won’t get slapped in the face, but it also requires patience and can lead to some missed opportunities.

Catching Prey

One of the girls my friend was flirting with early in the day told him, ”If you get some pussy on Pride Day that would be very impressive.” To that my friend said, “Challenge accepted.” Later on we went to a karaoke bar. My friend set his sights on a girl and started talking to her. I was standing right behind him, but I couldn’t hear what he was saying because it was too loud in there. I could tell from the girl’s facial expressions, however, that whatever he was saying was wild as fuck. After a few minutes of me standing awkwardly behind my friend, the friend of the girl he was talking to walked up and started talking to me. I thought it might kill the vibe if I screamed “I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!” at the top of my lungs, so I chatted with this girl for a bit. She said she was from Staten Island, so I told her how disgusting that was. She said she was 31, so I asked her how it feels to be a senior citizen. She asked if I was gay, so I told her “No, but everyone has a price.” By the end of our conversation, she asked for my phone number so we could get together sometime. I politely declined, but my friend snagged the number of the girl he was talking to. It was a win for both of us: I got an ego boost and he got some digits.

We All Have Our Ways

It’s interesting how two strategies that are so different can both have such incredible results. It’s almost as if, in an age where everyone wants to sell you “their”, and only “their”, strategy for everything including philosophy, relationships, business, and even tying your damn shoe, there is no “one way” to accomplish something. There are many different paths you can take to get the results you want.

I often try to teach my friends and family about stoicism. ”Hey mom, do you have time to talk about our lord and savior Marcus Aurelius?” It always surprises me when they don’t buy into the philosophy as much as I do. “Babe, why won’t you read Meditations? What do you mean you don’t want to think about death everyday?” Something I’ve recently realized is that there are other ways to solve the problems stoicism solves without reading the diary of some emperor who lived 2000 years ago. You can combat your inner and outer struggles through a different philosophy. You can achieve peace and harmony by following a religion. You can overcome your fear of death by taking angel dust.

“The belief that the correct, objectively valid solution to the question of how men should live can in principle be discovered, is in principle not true.”

This quote, from the philosopher Isaiah Berlin, was made in reference to religion. It can, however, be applied to every aspect of life. Personally though, I would edit the quote to make one small adjustment. I would say there is no correct, objectively valid way for ALL men to live. There is a correct, objectively valid way for each individual man to live, and that is the way that works best for them. You should be cautious of the “gurus” who tell you their way is the best way for you. They don’t know you, so how can they possibly know what’s best for you? There’s only one person who knows what’s best for you, and that’s ME, so buy my online course y’all, it’s only $59.99!

All jokes aside, “my way or the highway” is perfectly fine when it comes to your own life. In fact, that’s the way it should be. You should live life the way you want to. But you should never expect everyone else to agree that your way is the best. Just because it’s the best for you doesn’t mean it’s the best for them. As I learned at Pride Day, just because I dedicate my life to getting pussy doesn’t mean everyone else wants to. And you know what, that’s OK.